Day dream

So powerful the feeling that these visions come to me when I'm awake.

In them, you are angry with me, you chastise me for all I've wronged. You tell me again and again, ever in more eloquent forms, how I've betrayed your very being.
You curse me and kick me and explain to me the depths of your despair and I sit there, willingly, and take it all for I know I've earned it.

And in your fury I repent for my actions. And my demeanor falls and meets your wrathful gaze.

And most importantly, it's salvation. For I get to say to all this: yes, I see now, I'm wide awake. Bruise me, but my skin knows to be angry at my soul for welcoming the devil within, instead of you.
So compelling, so intimate and wishful this is, that I see it happening before me, even though I stay, locked with key in hand, in an ivory tower.

Yet I cannot ask you to kill me, to salvage me. I want to, so badly. But my punishment is more worthy of the ultimate domain of hell, betrayal. Instead of anger and release, there is nothing. No knowledge, no silence. Deafening silence. 

Once there were two thrones, now there is but a stool. Hunched over I oversee pain so indescribable in its intimacy.. 

Is it right, that I should act this way? Is this redeeming in any way? Wide awake, with hindsight fulfilled, I ask this of myself, where is God to ask? I need to die beyond return, to cast this into irrelevance, just to know: was this right? 

Yet I cannot let it go to die, such is my punishment: I carry your well deserved wrath with me, without any redemption from your nature. I am stuck, unable to share, unable to release it, it's only mine to do with it exactly what I left for you: deal with it in solace, with despair.

And despair I shall, and I know I've earned it, every ounce of it. And should these words be cast upon another sinner's eye: BEWARE! 

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.

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